The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
