Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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