Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
