You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
