So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
