there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
