Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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