I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
