tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
