I wish they made helmets for livers.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
