help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
