Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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