This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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