I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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