Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
