Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
