it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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