Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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