There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
