I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I will pee on everything he values.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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