either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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