I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
