Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
