The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
