Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
