Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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