My friends, they love my intelligence
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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