we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
