I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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