My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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