just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
