Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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