Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
