You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
