i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
