K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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