please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
