Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize