Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
