I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
