You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize