I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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