As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize