Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Its about making memories worth repressing
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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