Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Couch. On fire.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
