Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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