you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
operation harelip BJ is a go
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I checked into jail on foursquare
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
