The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
