ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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