Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
