Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
