We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You ruined the universe
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