Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
