when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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