Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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