the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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