If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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