i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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